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Georgia Weithe's Blog

Monday, December 8, 2008

LOSING A FRIEND

This week I learned of the death of a college friend. He was someone I spent a great deal of time with when I was in my twenties, but have seldom seen since then. Nevertheless, when word came that he had died, I felt a hole in my life open up as if he had been present on a daily basis, and now was yanked away. How could that be?

After giving it some thought I realized how his warmth, his generosity of spirit, his optimism and laughter had left an imprint on my soul. I understand now that people who sail through our lives spreading joy leave a lasting impression in their wake.

The reverberations of Rich’s energy continue to be felt even though he is no longer in this world. Henri Nouwen says (see previous post) that when someone dies they leave behind lasting gifts which “continue to blossom in our hearts...” My friend will be remembered always by those whose lives he touched. His kindness landed like a seed in the hearts of those with whom he came in contact, and grew like a flower with many petals.

Peace be with you, Rich.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

GIFTS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED

One of the best-loved spiritual writers of our time, Henri Nouwen, reveals the gifts that the living and the dying can give to one another, in his moving reflection called, Our Greatest Gift (Harper Collins, 1994) Here are some of his comforting thoughts which reflect the circle of life:

“Our thoughts and feelings, our words and writings, our dreams and visions are not just our own; they belong also to the many men and women who have died already and are now living within us. The lives and deaths of these people are still bearing fruit in our lives. Their joy, hope, courage, confidence , and trust haven’t died with them but continue to blossom in our hearts and the hearts of the many who are connected with us in love…We, too, must see to it that our deaths become fruitful in the lives of those who will live after us.”

Friday, October 10, 2008

LEAVING THE STRUGGLES BEHIND

Surrounding each dying person is the light of inevitability.

Surrender to the process underway carries them forward on the current of life. Being in their presence trains our inner sight on places beyond what the eye can see, and our knowing is caught by a familiar impulse – it vibrates with resignation and with peace; a total lack of struggle. We can feel the calm as it descends ; the struggle is over!

Knowing the way we too will follow is a source of comfort and solace. There is a recognition that is awakened, as well as a yearning to have all the struggles behind us. Showing us the way to go home are the individuals who go before us and prepare the way. Claim the knowing that is already within…a walk down the path that is leading home.

When you watch a person who is transitioning out of this life, there is a sense that they are not leaving, but “moving on.” It may be with reluctance that they get on the train, but the train is leaving and will take us along.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

TOUCHING THE GROUND OF OUR BEING

When I’m facing a serious challenge, I always feel a "touch." It's something like a weight on me, though it’s not heavy or depressing. It’s more of a nudge in a particular direction. It feels like I’m being pushed down – not to the ground, but toward the "ground of my Being".

That is where I find the help that I need; the well-spring of resources that is available and which I could not do without. I dip into the well and draw up…peace and quiet, calm and strength, courage, and faith which tells me all is well, in spite of what seems.

Usually we go skipping over the surface and don’t bother to stop and drink. Under ordinary circumstances, there doesn’t seem to be a need. But the more disruptive a challenge we face, the deeper we are forced to go. Put an issue of life and death in front of us and suddenly we become parched, and must go in search of water. It’s not up in the clouds, but at the ground of our Being that we find the stuff we’re made of.


I'm writing this today because I have a dear one who is struggling with a recurrence of cancer. Once again, I'm feeling the "touch." Its a comforting thing to experience.

The fact that there’s something to be gained from adversity, makes sense of otherwise cruel and seemingly senseless events. Death delivers us to ourselves, in a way that nothing else can.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

COMING FULL CIRCLE

When I was a child, there was an idea I would repeat to myself from time to time, which struck terror in my heart. It was: “I won’t always be here.” When I found myself pondering that thought, I would be gripped by fear of death and the unknown.

It’s odd to think that now that I’m an adult, I have come full circle and use that phrase as a “touchstone” to remind myself of just how short - but also precious - life is. In my book, *Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death*, I have said that death is a teacher and a friend. What do I mean by that? I have learned that if we allow the awareness of our death to be our travelling companion (and I don’t mean our fear of it) then we can live each day as if it were the last one we had. Death reminds us to examine our lives, think about what is important, and restructure our priorities. When we do that, we may improve the quality of our relationships, fulfill our dreams, and be grateful for all we have.

No, I won’t always be here. So I’m going to try and live each day so that at the end of my life, I have no regrets.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

GUIDEPOSTS FOR SITTING VIGIL

Today I would like to offer these guideposts for sitting vigil with someone who is dying. I wish I had been given guidance like this when I learned of my Dad’s illness. I hope this proves to be helpful to those seeking to offer assistance to someone who is dying. Please feel free to print out this list of tips and give it to anyone who needs it. If you have others, feel free to contact me and I will incorporate them into the list; or publish them yourself on this blog. Good luck.


Guideposts for Sitting Vigil


1. Wait patiently as the changes take place, and for your loved one to come to terms with their health condition.

2. Cancel all negative thoughts that may arise. Your resistance becomes theirs and your lack of resistance becomes theirs, as well. Surround them with love and you will bring them peace.

3. Waste no time on sadness. Elevate your emotions to gratitude for the contribution your loved one has made in your life. Let love and gratitude guide him/her out of this world.

4. Do not become overly emotional and subject the dying person to more than they can handle.

5. When accompanying a loved one on this journey, we cannot afford to be afraid. There is a resonance that matches each emotion, and the frequency we maintain and project onto others must be chosen very carefully. Exude the essence of faith and belief that will take the dying person to another vibration: that of inner peace

6. Words will not be needed. Be patient and loving and give comfort with your presence.



Excerpted from Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death by Georgia Lang Weithe (Reflections Press, 2008).

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

A SECRET

Yes, it’s about Randy Pausch again. What a presence he was; its not easy to forget him and what he showed us about living!

One thing that was startling about him was his smiling face, which beamed out at us in all of his pictures. One wonders how it was possible for him to have such a joyful aspect when living with the knowledge of his impending death. What secret did he know that we do not?

The truth is, we can become every bit as joyful as Randy Pausch. He *chose* his attitude and he was able to play the game of living by his own rules. He could not choose the moment of his death – that was death’s call. But up until his last breath he chose to live life on his own terms.

What attracts us to him is the freedom of choice he displayed. Most of us never knew we had options in the face of death, until we saw the choices he made. He never stopped living until the moment of his dying. He found a way to continue to be alive up until the very end.


So what is the secret? It is this: Each of us can sparkle and shine with the same magic – each and every person has the magic within!

Sunday, August 3, 2008

RANDY PAUSCH AND MY OPTIMISM

Sometimes I wonder why, at this stage of my life, I am so attracted to a topic I have run from all my life. I think its partly because I don’t want to be taken by surprise when its my turn to die. I’m studying for the test, so to speak (some of my most terrifying moments were being unprepared for tests in school). The test of facing one’s own death is a test you cannot cheat on so you better be prepared, is how I look at it. But that's not the only reason I have immersed myself in the subject. I am an incurable optimist. I have found that the way for me to survive life’s hard knocks, is to look for something positive that came out of the pain. It is an approach to living that I seized upon as a child and which has never let me down. I have always wanted to believe it was possible to find a reason to be happy. No matter how much I was hurting, I always searched for a ray of light in the dark – and I always found it (sometimes after the fact)

Looking at Randy Pausch’s face beaming out (in the Last Lecture video) from behind his physical and emotional pain, he reminded me once again, that even in the face of death we can choose to find a ray of light.

Friday, July 25, 2008

RANDY PAUSCH HAS DIED

Randy Pausch has died of complications from pancreatic cancer. He was the young professor (age 47) from Carnegie Mellon University who was known for his “Last Lecture” which was released on video and later turned into a best-selling book. He has given us a great gift, in our death-defying culture, by bringing our attention to the fact that death is a part of everyone’s life. He taught us, by his example, that because life doesn’t go on forever we should live each day to the fullest…as if it was the only one we had. In his dying, he taught the rest of us so much about living! He may no longer be with us, but his contributions to our understanding of life and death, will endure. I am very grateful I stumbled upon his video, and I highly recommend it.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

AGING GRACEFULLY

Many baby-boomers like myself are realizing we are no longer young; even if we’d like to believe that “60” is the new “40”. And because so many of us are caring for our elderly parents who are nearing the end of their lives, death is right in our face. But the truth is, death is everyone’s companion in this life. It is appropriate when we are young to put our attention on surviving and learning to live in the world. But as we get older, living well involves not dwelling on the fact that death is part of our life experience, but being willing to face that fact and then move on. As with any unpleasant thought, the more we avoid it, the scarier it becomes and the less we are able to escape its influence; because avoiding it drives much of what we do. When we no longer engage in the flight a new fund of energy becomes available. Without having to live on the edge of fear hoping that we won’t encounter either thoughts about death or the fact of its presence, we can turn more completely toward the business of living. The hopefulness I felt about living life deeply, about fulfilling my dreams, about accomplishing my purpose for being here on earth – all of those positive feelings spiked when I disengaged from the grip in which the fear had held me. This can happen to you, too.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

ACCEPTANCE = FREEDOM

I’m hearing from a number of people how have read the book and who are not dealing with life/death situations, but who are interested in contemplating the end of life. Its very gratifying to know that Shining Moments is generating a kind of “awakening” in some.

Acceptance of death doesn’t mean dwelling on it. The idea of being preoccupied with one’s death is morbid. But to not acknowledge that it is a step along the continuum of our own life puts limitations on our ability to expand into the possibilities life holds for us. If we are always afraid to peek around the next corner for fear of what we’ll find, then there are many surprises that we’ll never uncover. If we spend our lives trying to avoid the fear of death that is stalking us, our pattern becomes “avoidance”, and the limitation we struggle against, are mostly ones we have placed on ourselves. We hold ourselves back more than anyone else, if we don’t allow ourselves to face our fears.

Friday, June 20, 2008

DEATH'S GIFTS

When TV journalist Tim Russert died suddenly the other day, I was reminded that the awareness of death teaches us how precious our lives are. I have learned to think of death as a teacher and a friend; here are ten things it taught me about how to live:

1. Live your life so you have no regrets.

2. Admit to yourself that life is fleeting and all things as we know them will come to an end; then out of the awareness of the endings, create new beginnings.

3. Begin to heal your life by making choices that allow you to control your own
destiny.

4. Acknowledge the presence of those you love, and honor your spouse or partner, your children and your friends.

5. Never resort to violent acts or bring ruthless thoughts into the realm of your
being.

6. Bring love into every situation and replace vengeance with peaceful, loving
intentions.

7. Elevate your actions to reflect the highest principles of living; show love, respect and honor for all life.

8. Waste no energy on vanity or pride.

9. Be generous and giving and pursue the highest purpose in all you do

10. Let go of life in the sweetest way you know how.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

LONELINESS AND LOSS

I know I must make a distinction between facing death, and experiencing loss. I have not, in Shining Moments, addressed the pain of losing a loved one and the grief that follows. It is a subject I will leave to others, for now. But I want to share a poem with those who are mourning the loss of a loved one, that I believe will speak to the experience.

For Loneliness


When the light lessens,
Causing colors to lose their courage,
And your eyes fix on the empty distance
That can open on either side
Of the sunset line
To make all that is
Familiar and near
Seem suddenly foreign,

When the music of talk
Breaks apart the noise
and you hear your heart louden
while the voices around you
slow down to leaden echoes
turning the silence
into something stony and cold,

When the old ghosts come back
to feed on everywhere you felt sure,
do not strengthen their hunger
by choosing to fear;
Rather, decide to call on your heart
that it may grow clear and free
to welcome home your emptiness
that it may cleanse you
like the clearest air
you could ever breathe.

Allow all your loneliness time
to dissolve the shell of dross
that had closed around you;
choose in this severe silence
to hear the one true voice
your rushed life fears;
cradle yourself like a child
learning to trust what emerges,
so that gradually
you may come to know
that deep in that black hole
you will find that blue flower
that holds the mystical light
which will illuminate in you
the glimmer of springtime.

John O'Donohue

Sunday, June 1, 2008

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE

Over the course of a lifetime we are transformed many times – born into new stages of life and dying to the last. We go from being an infant to a toddler, then child to adolescent, to young then mature adult, etc. We hardly notice as we are progressing from one phase to the next. We have no fear and we offer no resistance; we recognize the passage into each new stage of life not as a death but as a milestone to be celebrated. The underlying pattern here is this: change is inevitable. It doesn’t hurt to undergo these changes, and part of the reason may be that we offer no resistance.

Our dance partner as we go waltzing through life is death – and death is always in the lead. If we allow it to guide us we will glide over the dance floor with beauty and grace. If we introduce an element of fear, we will stumble. Can we learn to accept death without fear? As Nancy Gibbs says in an essay in Time Magazine referring to the death of her father: “While sorrow is certain, fear is not.”

Monday, May 26, 2008

FROM FEAR TO HOPE

When we’re children we’re not afraid of death. We’re open and curious about it, as we are about all aspects of life. But over time we adopt the attitudes of the adults around us, we notice they avoid talking about it in our presence, which sends the message that it must be very frightening. And then, too, adults may do more damage when they actually do say something, by telling us an untruth that leads to more distorted glimpses of the subject. My own parents made one of the worst mistakes, when they told me that dying was like going to sleep. That night I was afraid to fall sleep and when I did, I dreamt that I was buried under the ground with the weight of the world pressing in on my coffin, and no way to escape. I knew that when I was asleep I was still breathing, and the thought that I would have to do that underground was more than horrifying. This dream, with its accompanying fears, haunted me for decades.

As adults, we define reality as something we can see; we’re afraid of the invisible. We lose sight of the fact that we actually live in two worlds; one that is visible and one that is not. The intangible realm of death signifies the terrifying experience of being swept away by a torrent of darkness into territory where we’re out of control; where our identity is obliterated (and there is no iPod to distract us.) Just as we channel surf when we land on a program we don’t want to watch, we turn away from reminders of our mortality. But by not facing our fears, we compound them, unfortunately.

Shining Moments describes my journey from fear to hope, as I learned that facing the most dreaded fear of my life led not to paralyzing panic, but to an unblocked bounty of energy that accompanied a sense of living with meaning and with purpose.My father’s death showed me that we can leave this world peacefully without suffering. Watching the changes he went through as he died, left me with with the expectation and hope that the process of transformation which is visible during the dying process doesn’t come grinding to a halt when the body dies, but rather the energy continues to manifest even though we cannot see its effect. As scientists regularly discover phenomena that nobody previously knew existed, we have every reason to believe that there are unseen realities yet to be revealed. If you have sat with someone while they die, you’re aware that you are witnessing a process that has aspects which are very present but not visible; much more than meets the eye.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

THE GREAT TEACHER

When I was twenty-one years old, during a routine teacher’s exam, the doctor found a lump in my throat, which turned out to be thyroid cancer. I was completely cured, and never had a recurrence (thank goodness) but that illness set the course for my life. At a young age it forced me to contemplate issues of life and death and I began a path of discovery, which continues even today. A very important instrument of healing for me was Dr. Bernie Siegel’s book, Love, Medicine and Miracles. When I wrote Shining Moments, I contacted him and he graciously agreed to write a testimonial. In the course of our correspondence, he sent me a wonderful poem which I want to share with you today.

THE GREAT TEACHER BY BERNIE SIEGEL, MD
Death what a great teacher you are
Yet few of us elect to take your class
And learn about life
That is the essence of death’s teaching
Death is not an elective
We must all take the class
The wise students audit the class in their early years
And find enlightenment
They are prepared when graduation day comes
It is your commencement

I have learned that death is a teacher and a friend. I will share more about that in future postings.

Monday, May 12, 2008

FINDING HOPE IN FACING DEATH

When my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I found myself thrust into a situation I didn’t want to be in, but where I was trapped nonetheless. Dad was going to be taken from me by his disease, which was a painful and inescapable reality. But equally disturbing were the face-to-face encounters with death in which I found myself, for which I felt totally unprepared.
It didn’t matter that I didn’t want to be there (and I really didn’t). There was no way out, except to run and hide from the situation; but my love for my father would not allow me to do that.

So I found myself in a daily struggle with the one thing I’d been terrified of all my life…death. In the spirit of compassion and driven by my love for my father, I refused to duck when the fear came at me. The result was, I ultimately came to understand that fear of death is like any other fear, and that the same rules for overcoming all fears apply to death, as well. If you run from it, its power over you increases. If you stop and face it, look it in the eye, it shrinks.

What I didn’t expect was how facing death would deepen my life. I discovered that the energy we lose by turning away and running becomes available to us again when we no longer engage in the flight. With a new fund of energy available, and without having to live on the edge of fear hoping that we won’t have to encounter either thoughts about death or the fact of its presence, we can turn more completely toward the business of living.

The hopefulness I began to feel about living deeply, about fulfilling my dreams, about accomplishing my purpose for being here on earth – all of those positive feelings spiked when I disengaged from the grip in which the fear of death had held me.

When I met my Dad’s Hospice nurse for the first time, I remember feeling a little cynical about her profession. I thought to myself, “Why would anybody choose to be around death and dying if they could spend their time doing something – anything - else! But by the time I had spent the last four days of Dad’s life at his side, I understood.

My dad’s death was a good death, mind you. No machines, no pain, no distorting medications, and no resistance on his part. What I perceived in those final days was an atmosphere that became increasingly charged with the wonder of life and the miracle of death. To see the changes that took place in his form, to look at the process with awe rather than fear – I knew I was watching something that was bigger and more profound than any of us. Experiencing the shift as the life moved out of his body, can only be characterized as a sacred experience.

To my surprise, there were no bolts of lightening or claps of thunder; just the peaceful, ever-evolving transformation of his body… and my own character.

I hope that some of you will join this discussion, whether you are being forced to face death, or just have an intellectual curiosity about it. I believe it’s a conversation we need to have.