PRESCRIPTION FOR DYING WELL=PRESCRIPTION FOR LIVING WELL

I recently received some questionable results in two cancer screenings and the tests had to be repeated. This put me in the position of facing my own mortality, not in the abstract, but for real. I discovered that contemplating one’s own death is quite a different thing from contemplating another’s. Fortunately the tests ultimately proved negative. However the experience once again showed me that death is an amazing teacher. I wrestled emotionally with the truth that my life will not go on forever and struggled to make peace with that fact. Eventually, I found the place within me where I will need to land emotionally and spiritually when the time is truly upon me. As a result of this experience, I know it will not be easy but that I will be able to do it.

When it was all over I made a list of 6 things I needed to do in order to prepare for death. To my amazement, I discovered that this prescription for dying well is also a prescription for living well. I will share it in hopes that others may benefit:

1. LEARN TO LET GO: Death is the BIG letting go, and if we can practice the art of letting go of those things we no longer need (like anger, resentment, hostility) we’ll be more prepared to let go of life.

2. TRUST: Trust that all is well in spite of what seems, and that everything you need will be provided.

3. LIVE IN THE PRESENT: Anxiety and fear flow from worrying about things that haven’t yet happened, or happened in the past.

4. BECOME COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR FEELINGS: Allow yourself to be carried along by every emotion.

5. SURRENDER: Don’t resist things you can’t change

6. CHOOSE COURAGE OVER FEAR: We have a choice to remain courageous and present rather than dissolving into fear.

MIRACLE OF LIFE

We carry encoded in our beings a longing to reveal the secrets of life and the mysteries of death. The answers are in plain sight for all to see-we just have to open our eyes and look at the whole picture; not just snapshots of our lives.

View the span of a lifetime like you are watching the sequence of time-lapse photography…a seed is planted in the womb and an embryo grows, floating in its liquid sack of life-giving nutrients; then it’s born into the world like a fish out of water but learns to adapt to the dry land. It is a bundle of potential like the seed of a plant, and gradually it blossoms into a walking and talking toddler, then young child, then pre-teen and teenager; every phase of life another milestone which represents being born into a new stage of growth, and dying to the last. We reach full bloom in young adulthood and continue to transform as we ripen and age, until finally the bloom begins to fade.

Consider these incredible and miraculous changes. Death taught me to see them not as something to be feared but as something to be in awe of. They are so easy to miss as we fly through the business of living. When confronted with our mortality, we find ourselves taking the time to see the beauty and wonder of all we take for granted. Why wait for a crisis? Do it now , and live your life with a deeper appreciation for the wonder that it is!

SHARE YOUR STORY

I anticipated that my father’s death would be the darkest and most depressing experience of my life, but it was exactly the opposite. It was an uplifting event and led me to live my life with greater appreciation for everything and everyone in it. I have met many people who have had a similar experience, and if we can create conversations which allow their voices to be heard, I believe the fear that surrounds death could be diminished. We also need to hear the voices of those who have witnessed people who have died peaceful and accepted deaths. The general perception, because of how death is portrayed in the media, is that everyone is in unbearable physical and emotional pain when they die. This is not true. In my Dad’s case, he accepted his fate, and when his time came he quietly left this world without a struggle; he was at peace.

I would like to invite readers of this blog to share their stories of how they were changed in a positive way by being in the presence of death, whether it’s from the perspective of a family member, a friend or a professional. Wherever you find an opportunity, I hope you will relate your experience. If enough of these stories are injected into the public discourse, perhaps we can lower the temperature of the discussion so that people in this culture can face what lies ahead without fear.

DEATH PANELS AND OVERCOMING FEAR

In the past months I have been traveling around meeting people and talking about my book, and what has become increasingly clear is how badly we need to have conversations with one another about the subject of death. There is so much fear surrounding the topic, that terms like “Death-Panels” crop up if we contemplate having discussions about our end-of-life wishes. If the subject of death were not so hidden behind a cloud of fear, more of us would be willing to examine our lives from beginning to end, and make informed decisions that could eliminate suffering for ourselves and those who care for us.

I think it’s especially important that we hear stories of people who, like me, have experienced a positive transformation as a result of being present when someone died. If you would like to hear some of these stories you can listen to callers who told their experiences when I was interviewed on the Wisconsin Public Radio show, Here on Earth with host Jean Feraca(http://www.wpr.org/hereonearth/archive_090914k.cfm).

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE INTELLECT

The intellectual framework we design to explain our feelings toward death doesn’t always stand the test of being exposed to it. We may find that every idea we have gives way to fear when someone we love is dying. But then, gradually, as we walk through the experience with them, and if we stay with them every step of the way, then when it’s over something happens. We think, “Wait a minute…I’m still here; I managed to look death in the eye and it didn’t kill me!” We’re transformed by the experience and on a level that has nothing to do with the intellect, we get the message that death can be faced, and does not have to be feared.

When Death Comes

by Mary Oliver

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom; taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

A PRAYER

Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down,
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
toward heaven—
only you.
It is in the midst of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.

C.P. Estes

FACING DEATH MEANS CHOOSING LIFE

Facing death involves a choice – we can choose to resist the movement of our lives or we can get on the train of life and allow it to carry us where we are meant to go. There can be no substitute for the clear purpose of heading toward the end of our lives with intention. Pointing ourselves toward where we are heading is not morbid, and does not mean we are dying to the life we are living. It means we are giving form to our existence and viewing with clear sight our present location, as well as our destination. We are not denying where we are heading and thereby shrouding ourselves in the fog of denial-which prevents us not only from seeing where we are going, but where we are currently at.

MELLOWING WITH AGE

Time marches on and prepares us for what lies ahead, if we are willing to become something other than an image we are holding on to. The picture we have of ourselves must be allowed to change with time. The edges become worn with experience but not necessarily frayed. If we focus on the surface image alone, then the tension will cause deterioration. If we allow ourselves to bend and wrinkle and be folded by time, then timelessness becomes part of the wisdom which shapes our aging.

It’s a sad irony that holding on to the picture of youth does not makes us more vibrant and strong, but rather weaker and more fragile. There’s a wisdom and beauty that comes with allowing ourselves to be transformed by the ages and stages we are going through. At the end of our lives we have risen to new heights of wisdom and accomplishment if we allow ourselves to be carried where we are meant to go.

This is a silent achievement which will not receive rewards and recognition from anyone else. We are the only ones who will know and the knowledge of how we have mellowed with age, will allow us to die with contentment and peace.

Faithful Friend

I have learned that death is a teacher and a friend. The crowning achievement of our lives is opening the door to let this faithful friend in. Why would we deny access to the companion that has never deserted us? How could we have lived our lives to the fullest without this teacher and friend that is always present and ready to show us the deeper meaning in everything we do? Would we be so moved by the beauty of a blooming flower if we knew it would live forever? Would we appreciate the need to love deeply and forgive quickly, if we didn’t see that the chance to do that might slip away? Death is the end for which there was a beginning.

LIVING WELL/DYING WELL

Living well involves making choices minute by minute to have courage, faith and trust that all will be well in spite of what seems. Every minute a fork in the road appears and we can choose whether to go down the path marked “contraction and fear” or the one marked “courage and expansion.” These are the same choices that face us during the dying process. So while it may seem that the options of a person at the end of life are diminished, they are the same options that face every person alive, in every stage of living. Throughout our lives we can practice choosing courage over fear, and where fear overwhelms us and wins out, learn not to struggle against it (thereby giving it more power over us). If we instead accept it as a part of who we are, gradually its power will fade away and the obstacles that it puts in our path will be easier to overcome.

This will be preparation for the experience of transitioning out of this life. All of the principles that apply to living well, are the same principles that carry us through the process of dying well.

LOSING A FRIEND

This week I learned of the death of a college friend. He was someone I spent a great deal of time with when I was in my twenties, but have seldom seen since then. Nevertheless, when word came that he had died, I felt a hole in my life open up as if he had been present on a daily basis, and now was yanked away. How could that be?

After giving it some thought I realized how his warmth, his generosity of spirit, his optimism and laughter had left an imprint on my soul. I understand now that people who sail through our lives spreading joy leave a lasting impression in their wake.

The reverberations of Rich’s energy continue to be felt even though he is no longer in this world. Henri Nouwen says (see previous post) that when someone dies they leave behind lasting gifts which “continue to blossom in our hearts...” My friend will be remembered always by those whose lives he touched. His kindness landed like a seed in the hearts of those with whom he came in contact, and grew like a flower with many petals.

Peace be with you, Rich.

GIFTS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED

One of the best-loved spiritual writers of our time, Henri Nouwen, reveals the gifts that the living and the dying can give to one another, in his moving reflection called, Our Greatest Gift (Harper Collins, 1994) Here are some of his comforting thoughts which reflect the circle of life:

“Our thoughts and feelings, our words and writings, our dreams and visions are not just our own; they belong also to the many men and women who have died already and are now living within us. The lives and deaths of these people are still bearing fruit in our lives. Their joy, hope, courage, confidence , and trust haven’t died with them but continue to blossom in our hearts and the hearts of the many who are connected with us in love…We, too, must see to it that our deaths become fruitful in the lives of those who will live after us.”

LEAVING THE STRUGGLES BEHIND

Surrounding each dying person is the light of inevitability.

Surrender to the process underway carries them forward on the current of life. Being in their presence trains our inner sight on places beyond what the eye can see, and our knowing is caught by a familiar impulse – it vibrates with resignation and with peace; a total lack of struggle. We can feel the calm as it descends ; the struggle is over!

Knowing the way we too will follow is a source of comfort and solace. There is a recognition that is awakened, as well as a yearning to have all the struggles behind us. Showing us the way to go home are the individuals who go before us and prepare the way. Claim the knowing that is already within…a walk down the path that is leading home.

When you watch a person who is transitioning out of this life, there is a sense that they are not leaving, but “moving on.” It may be with reluctance that they get on the train, but the train is leaving and will take us along.

TOUCHING THE GROUND OF OUR BEING

When I’m facing a serious challenge, I always feel a "touch." It's something like a weight on me, though it’s not heavy or depressing. It’s more of a nudge in a particular direction. It feels like I’m being pushed down – not to the ground, but toward the "ground of my Being".

That is where I find the help that I need; the well-spring of resources that is available and which I could not do without. I dip into the well and draw up…peace and quiet, calm and strength, courage, and faith which tells me all is well, in spite of what seems.

Usually we go skipping over the surface and don’t bother to stop and drink. Under ordinary circumstances, there doesn’t seem to be a need. But the more disruptive a challenge we face, the deeper we are forced to go. Put an issue of life and death in front of us and suddenly we become parched, and must go in search of water. It’s not up in the clouds, but at the ground of our Being that we find the stuff we’re made of.

I'm writing this today because I have a dear one who is struggling with a recurrence of cancer. Once again, I'm feeling the "touch." Its a comforting thing to experience.

The fact that there’s something to be gained from adversity, makes sense of otherwise cruel and seemingly senseless events. Death delivers us to ourselves, in a way that nothing else can.

COMING FULL CIRCLE

When I was a child, there was an idea I would repeat to myself from time to time, which struck terror in my heart. It was: “I won’t always be here.” When I found myself pondering that thought, I would be gripped by fear of death and the unknown.

It’s odd to think that now that I’m an adult, I have come full circle and use that phrase as a “touchstone” to remind myself of just how short - but also precious - life is. In my book, *Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death*, I have said that death is a teacher and a friend. What do I mean by that? I have learned that if we allow the awareness of our death to be our travelling companion (and I don’t mean our fear of it) then we can live each day as if it were the last one we had. Death reminds us to examine our lives, think about what is important, and restructure our priorities. When we do that, we may improve the quality of our relationships, fulfill our dreams, and be grateful for all we have.

No, I won’t always be here. So I’m going to try and live each day so that at the end of my life, I have no regrets.

GUIDEPOSTS FOR SITTING VIGIL

Today I would like to offer these guideposts for sitting vigil with someone who is dying. I wish I had been given guidance like this when I learned of my Dad’s illness. I hope this proves to be helpful to those seeking to offer assistance to someone who is dying. Please feel free to print out this list of tips and give it to anyone who needs it. If you have others, feel free to contact me and I will incorporate them into the list; or publish them yourself on this blog. Good luck.


Guideposts for Sitting Vigil


1. Wait patiently as the changes take place, and for your loved one to come to terms with their health condition.

2. Cancel all negative thoughts that may arise. Your resistance becomes theirs and your lack of resistance becomes theirs, as well. Surround them with love and you will bring them peace.

3. Waste no time on sadness. Elevate your emotions to gratitude for the contribution your loved one has made in your life. Let love and gratitude guide him/her out of this world.

4. Do not become overly emotional and subject the dying person to more than they can handle.

5. When accompanying a loved one on this journey, we cannot afford to be afraid. There is a resonance that matches each emotion, and the frequency we maintain and project onto others must be chosen very carefully. Exude the essence of faith and belief that will take the dying person to another vibration: that of inner peace

6. Words will not be needed. Be patient and loving and give comfort with your presence.



Excerpted from Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death by Georgia Lang Weithe (Reflections Press, 2008).

A SECRET

Yes, it’s about Randy Pausch again. What a presence he was; its not easy to forget him and what he showed us about living!

One thing that was startling about him was his smiling face, which beamed out at us in all of his pictures. One wonders how it was possible for him to have such a joyful aspect when living with the knowledge of his impending death. What secret did he know that we do not?

The truth is, we can become every bit as joyful as Randy Pausch. He *chose* his attitude and he was able to play the game of living by his own rules. He could not choose the moment of his death – that was death’s call. But up until his last breath he chose to live life on his own terms.

What attracts us to him is the freedom of choice he displayed. Most of us never knew we had options in the face of death, until we saw the choices he made. He never stopped living until the moment of his dying. He found a way to continue to be alive up until the very end.

So what is the secret? It is this: Each of us can sparkle and shine with the same magic – each and every person has the magic within!

RANDY PAUSCH AND MY OPTIMISM

Sometimes I wonder why, at this stage of my life, I am so attracted to a topic I have run from all my life. I think its partly because I don’t want to be taken by surprise when its my turn to die. I’m studying for the test, so to speak (some of my most terrifying moments were being unprepared for tests in school). The test of facing one’s own death is a test you cannot cheat on so you better be prepared, is how I look at it. But that's not the only reason I have immersed myself in the subject. I am an incurable optimist. I have found that the way for me to survive life’s hard knocks, is to look for something positive that came out of the pain. It is an approach to living that I seized upon as a child and which has never let me down. I have always wanted to believe it was possible to find a reason to be happy. No matter how much I was hurting, I always searched for a ray of light in the dark – and I always found it (sometimes after the fact)

Looking at Randy Pausch’s face beaming out (in the Last Lecture video) from behind his physical and emotional pain, he reminded me once again, that even in the face of death we can choose to find a ray of light.

RANDY PAUSCH HAS DIED

Randy Pausch has died of complications from pancreatic cancer. He was the young professor (age 47) from Carnegie Mellon University who was known for his “Last Lecture” which was released on video and later turned into a best-selling book. He has given us a great gift, in our death-defying culture, by bringing our attention to the fact that death is a part of everyone’s life. He taught us, by his example, that because life doesn’t go on forever we should live each day to the fullest…as if it was the only one we had. In his dying, he taught the rest of us so much about living! He may no longer be with us, but his contributions to our understanding of life and death, will endure. I am very grateful I stumbled upon his video, and I highly recommend it.