Faithful Friend

I have learned that death is a teacher and a friend. The crowning achievement of our lives is opening the door to let this faithful friend in. Why would we deny access to the companion that has never deserted us? How could we have lived our lives to the fullest without this teacher and friend that is always present and ready to show us the deeper meaning in everything we do? Would we be so moved by the beauty of a blooming flower if we knew it would live forever? Would we appreciate the need to love deeply and forgive quickly, if we didn’t see that the chance to do that might slip away? Death is the end for which there was a beginning.

LIVING WELL/DYING WELL

Living well involves making choices minute by minute to have courage, faith and trust that all will be well in spite of what seems. Every minute a fork in the road appears and we can choose whether to go down the path marked “contraction and fear” or the one marked “courage and expansion.” These are the same choices that face us during the dying process. So while it may seem that the options of a person at the end of life are diminished, they are the same options that face every person alive, in every stage of living. Throughout our lives we can practice choosing courage over fear, and where fear overwhelms us and wins out, learn not to struggle against it (thereby giving it more power over us). If we instead accept it as a part of who we are, gradually its power will fade away and the obstacles that it puts in our path will be easier to overcome.

This will be preparation for the experience of transitioning out of this life. All of the principles that apply to living well, are the same principles that carry us through the process of dying well.

LOSING A FRIEND

This week I learned of the death of a college friend. He was someone I spent a great deal of time with when I was in my twenties, but have seldom seen since then. Nevertheless, when word came that he had died, I felt a hole in my life open up as if he had been present on a daily basis, and now was yanked away. How could that be?

After giving it some thought I realized how his warmth, his generosity of spirit, his optimism and laughter had left an imprint on my soul. I understand now that people who sail through our lives spreading joy leave a lasting impression in their wake.

The reverberations of Rich’s energy continue to be felt even though he is no longer in this world. Henri Nouwen says (see previous post) that when someone dies they leave behind lasting gifts which “continue to blossom in our hearts...” My friend will be remembered always by those whose lives he touched. His kindness landed like a seed in the hearts of those with whom he came in contact, and grew like a flower with many petals.

Peace be with you, Rich.

GIFTS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED

One of the best-loved spiritual writers of our time, Henri Nouwen, reveals the gifts that the living and the dying can give to one another, in his moving reflection called, Our Greatest Gift (Harper Collins, 1994) Here are some of his comforting thoughts which reflect the circle of life:

“Our thoughts and feelings, our words and writings, our dreams and visions are not just our own; they belong also to the many men and women who have died already and are now living within us. The lives and deaths of these people are still bearing fruit in our lives. Their joy, hope, courage, confidence , and trust haven’t died with them but continue to blossom in our hearts and the hearts of the many who are connected with us in love…We, too, must see to it that our deaths become fruitful in the lives of those who will live after us.”

LEAVING THE STRUGGLES BEHIND

Surrounding each dying person is the light of inevitability.

Surrender to the process underway carries them forward on the current of life. Being in their presence trains our inner sight on places beyond what the eye can see, and our knowing is caught by a familiar impulse – it vibrates with resignation and with peace; a total lack of struggle. We can feel the calm as it descends ; the struggle is over!

Knowing the way we too will follow is a source of comfort and solace. There is a recognition that is awakened, as well as a yearning to have all the struggles behind us. Showing us the way to go home are the individuals who go before us and prepare the way. Claim the knowing that is already within…a walk down the path that is leading home.

When you watch a person who is transitioning out of this life, there is a sense that they are not leaving, but “moving on.” It may be with reluctance that they get on the train, but the train is leaving and will take us along.

TOUCHING THE GROUND OF OUR BEING

When I’m facing a serious challenge, I always feel a "touch." It's something like a weight on me, though it’s not heavy or depressing. It’s more of a nudge in a particular direction. It feels like I’m being pushed down – not to the ground, but toward the "ground of my Being".

That is where I find the help that I need; the well-spring of resources that is available and which I could not do without. I dip into the well and draw up…peace and quiet, calm and strength, courage, and faith which tells me all is well, in spite of what seems.

Usually we go skipping over the surface and don’t bother to stop and drink. Under ordinary circumstances, there doesn’t seem to be a need. But the more disruptive a challenge we face, the deeper we are forced to go. Put an issue of life and death in front of us and suddenly we become parched, and must go in search of water. It’s not up in the clouds, but at the ground of our Being that we find the stuff we’re made of.

I'm writing this today because I have a dear one who is struggling with a recurrence of cancer. Once again, I'm feeling the "touch." Its a comforting thing to experience.

The fact that there’s something to be gained from adversity, makes sense of otherwise cruel and seemingly senseless events. Death delivers us to ourselves, in a way that nothing else can.

COMING FULL CIRCLE

When I was a child, there was an idea I would repeat to myself from time to time, which struck terror in my heart. It was: “I won’t always be here.” When I found myself pondering that thought, I would be gripped by fear of death and the unknown.

It’s odd to think that now that I’m an adult, I have come full circle and use that phrase as a “touchstone” to remind myself of just how short - but also precious - life is. In my book, *Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death*, I have said that death is a teacher and a friend. What do I mean by that? I have learned that if we allow the awareness of our death to be our travelling companion (and I don’t mean our fear of it) then we can live each day as if it were the last one we had. Death reminds us to examine our lives, think about what is important, and restructure our priorities. When we do that, we may improve the quality of our relationships, fulfill our dreams, and be grateful for all we have.

No, I won’t always be here. So I’m going to try and live each day so that at the end of my life, I have no regrets.