PRESCRIPTION FOR DYING WELL=PRESCRIPTION FOR LIVING WELL

I recently received some questionable results in two cancer screenings and the tests had to be repeated. This put me in the position of facing my own mortality, not in the abstract, but for real. I discovered that contemplating one’s own death is quite a different thing from contemplating another’s. Fortunately the tests ultimately proved negative. However the experience once again showed me that death is an amazing teacher. I wrestled emotionally with the truth that my life will not go on forever and struggled to make peace with that fact. Eventually, I found the place within me where I will need to land emotionally and spiritually when the time is truly upon me. As a result of this experience, I know it will not be easy but that I will be able to do it.

When it was all over I made a list of 6 things I needed to do in order to prepare for death. To my amazement, I discovered that this prescription for dying well is also a prescription for living well. I will share it in hopes that others may benefit:

1. LEARN TO LET GO: Death is the BIG letting go, and if we can practice the art of letting go of those things we no longer need (like anger, resentment, hostility) we’ll be more prepared to let go of life.

2. TRUST: Trust that all is well in spite of what seems, and that everything you need will be provided.

3. LIVE IN THE PRESENT: Anxiety and fear flow from worrying about things that haven’t yet happened, or happened in the past.

4. BECOME COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR FEELINGS: Allow yourself to be carried along by every emotion.

5. SURRENDER: Don’t resist things you can’t change

6. CHOOSE COURAGE OVER FEAR: We have a choice to remain courageous and present rather than dissolving into fear.

MIRACLE OF LIFE

We carry encoded in our beings a longing to reveal the secrets of life and the mysteries of death. The answers are in plain sight for all to see-we just have to open our eyes and look at the whole picture; not just snapshots of our lives.

View the span of a lifetime like you are watching the sequence of time-lapse photography…a seed is planted in the womb and an embryo grows, floating in its liquid sack of life-giving nutrients; then it’s born into the world like a fish out of water but learns to adapt to the dry land. It is a bundle of potential like the seed of a plant, and gradually it blossoms into a walking and talking toddler, then young child, then pre-teen and teenager; every phase of life another milestone which represents being born into a new stage of growth, and dying to the last. We reach full bloom in young adulthood and continue to transform as we ripen and age, until finally the bloom begins to fade.

Consider these incredible and miraculous changes. Death taught me to see them not as something to be feared but as something to be in awe of. They are so easy to miss as we fly through the business of living. When confronted with our mortality, we find ourselves taking the time to see the beauty and wonder of all we take for granted. Why wait for a crisis? Do it now , and live your life with a deeper appreciation for the wonder that it is!

SHARE YOUR STORY

I anticipated that my father’s death would be the darkest and most depressing experience of my life, but it was exactly the opposite. It was an uplifting event and led me to live my life with greater appreciation for everything and everyone in it. I have met many people who have had a similar experience, and if we can create conversations which allow their voices to be heard, I believe the fear that surrounds death could be diminished. We also need to hear the voices of those who have witnessed people who have died peaceful and accepted deaths. The general perception, because of how death is portrayed in the media, is that everyone is in unbearable physical and emotional pain when they die. This is not true. In my Dad’s case, he accepted his fate, and when his time came he quietly left this world without a struggle; he was at peace.

I would like to invite readers of this blog to share their stories of how they were changed in a positive way by being in the presence of death, whether it’s from the perspective of a family member, a friend or a professional. Wherever you find an opportunity, I hope you will relate your experience. If enough of these stories are injected into the public discourse, perhaps we can lower the temperature of the discussion so that people in this culture can face what lies ahead without fear.

DEATH PANELS AND OVERCOMING FEAR

In the past months I have been traveling around meeting people and talking about my book, and what has become increasingly clear is how badly we need to have conversations with one another about the subject of death. There is so much fear surrounding the topic, that terms like “Death-Panels” crop up if we contemplate having discussions about our end-of-life wishes. If the subject of death were not so hidden behind a cloud of fear, more of us would be willing to examine our lives from beginning to end, and make informed decisions that could eliminate suffering for ourselves and those who care for us.

I think it’s especially important that we hear stories of people who, like me, have experienced a positive transformation as a result of being present when someone died. If you would like to hear some of these stories you can listen to callers who told their experiences when I was interviewed on the Wisconsin Public Radio show, Here on Earth with host Jean Feraca(http://www.wpr.org/hereonearth/archive_090914k.cfm).

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE INTELLECT

The intellectual framework we design to explain our feelings toward death doesn’t always stand the test of being exposed to it. We may find that every idea we have gives way to fear when someone we love is dying. But then, gradually, as we walk through the experience with them, and if we stay with them every step of the way, then when it’s over something happens. We think, “Wait a minute…I’m still here; I managed to look death in the eye and it didn’t kill me!” We’re transformed by the experience and on a level that has nothing to do with the intellect, we get the message that death can be faced, and does not have to be feared.

When Death Comes

by Mary Oliver

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom; taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

A PRAYER

Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down,
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
toward heaven—
only you.
It is in the midst of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.

C.P. Estes