Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death

PRESCRIPTION FOR DYING WELL=PRESCRIPTION FOR LIVING WELL

2010-04-06T08:15:00.000-07:00

I recently received some questionable results in two cancer screenings and the tests had to be repeated. This put me in the position of facing my own mortality, not in the abstract, but for real. I discovered that contemplating one’s own death is quite a different thing from contemplating another’s. Fortunately the tests ultimately proved negative. However the experience once again showed me that death is an amazing teacher. I wrestled emotionally with the truth that my life will not go on forever and struggled to make peace with that fact. Eventually, I found the place within me where I will need to land emotionally and spiritually when the time is truly upon me. As a result of this experience, I know it will not be easy but that I will be able to do it.

When it was all over I made a list of 6 things I needed to do in order to prepare for death. To my amazement, I discovered that this prescription for dying well is also a prescription for living well. I will share it in hopes that others may benefit:

1. LEARN TO LET GO: Death is the BIG letting go, and if we can practice the art of letting go of those things we no longer need (like anger, resentment, hostility) we’ll be more prepared to let go of life.

2. TRUST: Trust that all is well in spite of what seems, and that everything you need will be provided.

3. LIVE IN THE PRESENT: Anxiety and fear flow from worrying about things that haven’t yet happened, or happened in the past.

4. BECOME COMFORTABLE WITH YOUR FEELINGS: Allow yourself to be carried along by every emotion.

5. SURRENDER: Don’t resist things you can’t change

6. CHOOSE COURAGE OVER FEAR: We have a choice to remain courageous and present rather than dissolving into fear.

MIRACLE OF LIFE

2010-01-28T16:40:00.000-08:00

We carry encoded in our beings a longing to reveal the secrets of life and the mysteries of death. The answers are in plain sight for all to see-we just have to open our eyes and look at the whole picture; not just snapshots of our lives.

View the span of a lifetime like you are watching the sequence of time-lapse photography…a seed is planted in the womb and an embryo grows, floating in its liquid sack of life-giving nutrients; then it’s born into the world like a fish out of water but learns to adapt to the dry land. It is a bundle of potential like the seed of a plant, and gradually it blossoms into a walking and talking toddler, then young child, then pre-teen and teenager; every phase of life another milestone which represents being born into a new stage of growth, and dying to the last. We reach full bloom in young adulthood and continue to transform as we ripen and age, until finally the bloom begins to fade.

Consider these incredible and miraculous changes. Death taught me to see them not as something to be feared but as something to be in awe of. They are so easy to miss as we fly through the business of living. When confronted with our mortality, we find ourselves taking the time to see the beauty and wonder of all we take for granted. Why wait for a crisis? Do it now , and live your life with a deeper appreciation for the wonder that it is!

SHARE YOUR STORY

2009-12-27T03:36:00.000-08:00

I anticipated that my father’s death would be the darkest and most depressing experience of my life, but it was exactly the opposite. It was an uplifting event and led me to live my life with greater appreciation for everything and everyone in it. I have met many people who have had a similar experience, and if we can create conversations which allow their voices to be heard, I believe the fear that surrounds death could be diminished. We also need to hear the voices of those who have witnessed people who have died peaceful and accepted deaths. The general perception, because of how death is portrayed in the media, is that everyone is in unbearable physical and emotional pain when they die. This is not true. In my Dad’s case, he accepted his fate, and when his time came he quietly left this world without a struggle; he was at peace.

I would like to invite readers of this blog to share their stories of how they were changed in a positive way by being in the presence of death, whether it’s from the perspective of a family member, a friend or a professional. Wherever you find an opportunity, I hope you will relate your experience. If enough of these stories are injected into the public discourse, perhaps we can lower the temperature of the discussion so that people in this culture can face what lies ahead without fear.

DEATH PANELS AND OVERCOMING FEAR

2009-11-11T09:53:00.000-08:00

In the past months I have been traveling around meeting people and talking about my book, and what has become increasingly clear is how badly we need to have conversations with one another about the subject of death. There is so much fear surrounding the topic, that terms like “Death-Panels” crop up if we contemplate having discussions about our end-of-life wishes. If the subject of death were not so hidden behind a cloud of fear, more of us would be willing to examine our lives from beginning to end, and make informed decisions that could eliminate suffering for ourselves and those who care for us.

I think it’s especially important that we hear stories of people who, like me, have experienced a positive transformation as a result of being present when someone died. If you would like to hear some of these stories you can listen to callers who told their experiences when I was interviewed on the Wisconsin Public Radio show, Here on Earth with host Jean Feraca(http://www.wpr.org/hereonearth/archive_090914k.cfm).

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE INTELLECT

2009-08-30T21:29:00.000-07:00

The intellectual framework we design to explain our feelings toward death doesn’t always stand the test of being exposed to it. We may find that every idea we have gives way to fear when someone we love is dying. But then, gradually, as we walk through the experience with them, and if we stay with them every step of the way, then when it’s over something happens. We think, “Wait a minute…I’m still here; I managed to look death in the eye and it didn’t kill me!” We’re transformed by the experience and on a level that has nothing to do with the intellect, we get the message that death can be faced, and does not have to be feared.

When Death Comes

2009-07-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

by Mary Oliver

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox;

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom; taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

A PRAYER

2009-06-11T05:05:00.000-07:00

Refuse to fall down.
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled,
and it will be filled.
You may be pushed down,
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you
from lifting your heart
toward heaven—
only you.
It is in the midst of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.

C.P. Estes

FACING DEATH MEANS CHOOSING LIFE

2009-04-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

Facing death involves a choice – we can choose to resist the movement of our lives or we can get on the train of life and allow it to carry us where we are meant to go. There can be no substitute for the clear purpose of heading toward the end of our lives with intention. Pointing ourselves toward where we are heading is not morbid, and does not mean we are dying to the life we are living. It means we are giving form to our existence and viewing with clear sight our present location, as well as our destination. We are not denying where we are heading and thereby shrouding ourselves in the fog of denial-which prevents us not only from seeing where we are going, but where we are currently at.

MELLOWING WITH AGE

2009-03-30T10:35:00.000-07:00

Time marches on and prepares us for what lies ahead, if we are willing to become something other than an image we are holding on to. The picture we have of ourselves must be allowed to change with time. The edges become worn with experience but not necessarily frayed. If we focus on the surface image alone, then the tension will cause deterioration. If we allow ourselves to bend and wrinkle and be folded by time, then timelessness becomes part of the wisdom which shapes our aging.

It’s a sad irony that holding on to the picture of youth does not makes us more vibrant and strong, but rather weaker and more fragile. There’s a wisdom and beauty that comes with allowing ourselves to be transformed by the ages and stages we are going through. At the end of our lives we have risen to new heights of wisdom and accomplishment if we allow ourselves to be carried where we are meant to go.

This is a silent achievement which will not receive rewards and recognition from anyone else. We are the only ones who will know and the knowledge of how we have mellowed with age, will allow us to die with contentment and peace.

Faithful Friend

2009-03-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

I have learned that death is a teacher and a friend. The crowning achievement of our lives is opening the door to let this faithful friend in. Why would we deny access to the companion that has never deserted us? How could we have lived our lives to the fullest without this teacher and friend that is always present and ready to show us the deeper meaning in everything we do? Would we be so moved by the beauty of a blooming flower if we knew it would live forever? Would we appreciate the need to love deeply and forgive quickly, if we didn’t see that the chance to do that might slip away? Death is the end for which there was a beginning.

LIVING WELL/DYING WELL

2009-01-01T04:15:00.000-08:00

Living well involves making choices minute by minute to have courage, faith and trust that all will be well in spite of what seems. Every minute a fork in the road appears and we can choose whether to go down the path marked “contraction and fear” or the one marked “courage and expansion.” These are the same choices that face us during the dying process. So while it may seem that the options of a person at the end of life are diminished, they are the same options that face every person alive, in every stage of living. Throughout our lives we can practice choosing courage over fear, and where fear overwhelms us and wins out, learn not to struggle against it (thereby giving it more power over us). If we instead accept it as a part of who we are, gradually its power will fade away and the obstacles that it puts in our path will be easier to overcome.

This will be preparation for the experience of transitioning out of this life. All of the principles that apply to living well, are the same principles that carry us through the process of dying well.

LOSING A FRIEND

2008-12-08T13:57:00.000-08:00

This week I learned of the death of a college friend. He was someone I spent a great deal of time with when I was in my twenties, but have seldom seen since then. Nevertheless, when word came that he had died, I felt a hole in my life open up as if he had been present on a daily basis, and now was yanked away. How could that be?

After giving it some thought I realized how his warmth, his generosity of spirit, his optimism and laughter had left an imprint on my soul. I understand now that people who sail through our lives spreading joy leave a lasting impression in their wake.

The reverberations of Rich’s energy continue to be felt even though he is no longer in this world. Henri Nouwen says (see previous post) that when someone dies they leave behind lasting gifts which “continue to blossom in our hearts...” My friend will be remembered always by those whose lives he touched. His kindness landed like a seed in the hearts of those with whom he came in contact, and grew like a flower with many petals.

Peace be with you, Rich.

GIFTS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED

2008-11-04T04:06:00.000-08:00

One of the best-loved spiritual writers of our time, Henri Nouwen, reveals the gifts that the living and the dying can give to one another, in his moving reflection called, Our Greatest Gift (Harper Collins, 1994) Here are some of his comforting thoughts which reflect the circle of life:

“Our thoughts and feelings, our words and writings, our dreams and visions are not just our own; they belong also to the many men and women who have died already and are now living within us. The lives and deaths of these people are still bearing fruit in our lives. Their joy, hope, courage, confidence , and trust haven’t died with them but continue to blossom in our hearts and the hearts of the many who are connected with us in love…We, too, must see to it that our deaths become fruitful in the lives of those who will live after us.”

LEAVING THE STRUGGLES BEHIND

2008-10-10T05:52:00.000-07:00

Surrounding each dying person is the light of inevitability.

Surrender to the process underway carries them forward on the current of life. Being in their presence trains our inner sight on places beyond what the eye can see, and our knowing is caught by a familiar impulse – it vibrates with resignation and with peace; a total lack of struggle. We can feel the calm as it descends ; the struggle is over!

Knowing the way we too will follow is a source of comfort and solace. There is a recognition that is awakened, as well as a yearning to have all the struggles behind us. Showing us the way to go home are the individuals who go before us and prepare the way. Claim the knowing that is already within…a walk down the path that is leading home.

When you watch a person who is transitioning out of this life, there is a sense that they are not leaving, but “moving on.” It may be with reluctance that they get on the train, but the train is leaving and will take us along.

TOUCHING THE GROUND OF OUR BEING

2008-09-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

When I’m facing a serious challenge, I always feel a "touch." It's something like a weight on me, though it’s not heavy or depressing. It’s more of a nudge in a particular direction. It feels like I’m being pushed down – not to the ground, but toward the "ground of my Being".

That is where I find the help that I need; the well-spring of resources that is available and which I could not do without. I dip into the well and draw up…peace and quiet, calm and strength, courage, and faith which tells me all is well, in spite of what seems.

Usually we go skipping over the surface and don’t bother to stop and drink. Under ordinary circumstances, there doesn’t seem to be a need. But the more disruptive a challenge we face, the deeper we are forced to go. Put an issue of life and death in front of us and suddenly we become parched, and must go in search of water. It’s not up in the clouds, but at the ground of our Being that we find the stuff we’re made of.

I'm writing this today because I have a dear one who is struggling with a recurrence of cancer. Once again, I'm feeling the "touch." Its a comforting thing to experience.

The fact that there’s something to be gained from adversity, makes sense of otherwise cruel and seemingly senseless events. Death delivers us to ourselves, in a way that nothing else can.

COMING FULL CIRCLE

2008-09-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, there was an idea I would repeat to myself from time to time, which struck terror in my heart. It was: “I won’t always be here.” When I found myself pondering that thought, I would be gripped by fear of death and the unknown.

It’s odd to think that now that I’m an adult, I have come full circle and use that phrase as a “touchstone” to remind myself of just how short - but also precious - life is. In my book, *Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death*, I have said that death is a teacher and a friend. What do I mean by that? I have learned that if we allow the awareness of our death to be our travelling companion (and I don’t mean our fear of it) then we can live each day as if it were the last one we had. Death reminds us to examine our lives, think about what is important, and restructure our priorities. When we do that, we may improve the quality of our relationships, fulfill our dreams, and be grateful for all we have.

No, I won’t always be here. So I’m going to try and live each day so that at the end of my life, I have no regrets.

GUIDEPOSTS FOR SITTING VIGIL

2008-08-28T06:53:00.000-07:00

Today I would like to offer these guideposts for sitting vigil with someone who is dying. I wish I had been given guidance like this when I learned of my Dad’s illness. I hope this proves to be helpful to those seeking to offer assistance to someone who is dying. Please feel free to print out this list of tips and give it to anyone who needs it. If you have others, feel free to contact me and I will incorporate them into the list; or publish them yourself on this blog. Good luck.

Guideposts for Sitting Vigil

1. Wait patiently as the changes take place, and for your loved one to come to terms with their health condition.

2. Cancel all negative thoughts that may arise. Your resistance becomes theirs and your lack of resistance becomes theirs, as well. Surround them with love and you will bring them peace.

3. Waste no time on sadness. Elevate your emotions to gratitude for the contribution your loved one has made in your life. Let love and gratitude guide him/her out of this world.

4. Do not become overly emotional and subject the dying person to more than they can handle.

5. When accompanying a loved one on this journey, we cannot afford to be afraid. There is a resonance that matches each emotion, and the frequency we maintain and project onto others must be chosen very carefully. Exude the essence of faith and belief that will take the dying person to another vibration: that of inner peace

6. Words will not be needed. Be patient and loving and give comfort with your presence.

Excerpted from Shining Moments: Finding Hope in Facing Death by Georgia Lang Weithe (Reflections Press, 2008).

A SECRET

2008-08-12T05:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, it’s about Randy Pausch again. What a presence he was; its not easy to forget him and what he showed us about living!

One thing that was startling about him was his smiling face, which beamed out at us in all of his pictures. One wonders how it was possible for him to have such a joyful aspect when living with the knowledge of his impending death. What secret did he know that we do not?

The truth is, we can become every bit as joyful as Randy Pausch. He *chose* his attitude and he was able to play the game of living by his own rules. He could not choose the moment of his death – that was death’s call. But up until his last breath he chose to live life on his own terms.

What attracts us to him is the freedom of choice he displayed. Most of us never knew we had options in the face of death, until we saw the choices he made. He never stopped living until the moment of his dying. He found a way to continue to be alive up until the very end.

So what is the secret? It is this: Each of us can sparkle and shine with the same magic – each and every person has the magic within!

RANDY PAUSCH AND MY OPTIMISM

2008-08-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder why, at this stage of my life, I am so attracted to a topic I have run from all my life. I think its partly because I don’t want to be taken by surprise when its my turn to die. I’m studying for the test, so to speak (some of my most terrifying moments were being unprepared for tests in school). The test of facing one’s own death is a test you cannot cheat on so you better be prepared, is how I look at it. But that's not the only reason I have immersed myself in the subject. I am an incurable optimist. I have found that the way for me to survive life’s hard knocks, is to look for something positive that came out of the pain. It is an approach to living that I seized upon as a child and which has never let me down. I have always wanted to believe it was possible to find a reason to be happy. No matter how much I was hurting, I always searched for a ray of light in the dark – and I always found it (sometimes after the fact)

Looking at Randy Pausch’s face beaming out (in the Last Lecture video) from behind his physical and emotional pain, he reminded me once again, that even in the face of death we can choose to find a ray of light.

RANDY PAUSCH HAS DIED

2008-07-25T12:04:00.000-07:00

Randy Pausch has died of complications from pancreatic cancer. He was the young professor (age 47) from Carnegie Mellon University who was known for his “Last Lecture” which was released on video and later turned into a best-selling book. He has given us a great gift, in our death-defying culture, by bringing our attention to the fact that death is a part of everyone’s life. He taught us, by his example, that because life doesn’t go on forever we should live each day to the fullest…as if it was the only one we had. In his dying, he taught the rest of us so much about living! He may no longer be with us, but his contributions to our understanding of life and death, will endure. I am very grateful I stumbled upon his video, and I highly recommend it.

AGING GRACEFULLY

2008-07-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

Many baby-boomers like myself are realizing we are no longer young; even if we’d like to believe that “60” is the new “40”. And because so many of us are caring for our elderly parents who are nearing the end of their lives, death is right in our face. But the truth is, death is everyone’s companion in this life. It is appropriate when we are young to put our attention on surviving and learning to live in the world. But as we get older, living well involves not dwelling on the fact that death is part of our life experience, but being willing to face that fact and then move on. As with any unpleasant thought, the more we avoid it, the scarier it becomes and the less we are able to escape its influence; because avoiding it drives much of what we do. When we no longer engage in the flight a new fund of energy becomes available. Without having to live on the edge of fear hoping that we won’t encounter either thoughts about death or the fact of its presence, we can turn more completely toward the business of living. The hopefulness I felt about living life deeply, about fulfilling my dreams, about accomplishing my purpose for being here on earth – all of those positive feelings spiked when I disengaged from the grip in which the fear had held me. This can happen to you, too.

ACCEPTANCE = FREEDOM

2008-07-03T06:03:00.000-07:00

I’m hearing from a number of people how have read the book and who are not dealing with life/death situations, but who are interested in contemplating the end of life. Its very gratifying to know that Shining Moments is generating a kind of “awakening” in some.

Acceptance of death doesn’t mean dwelling on it. The idea of being preoccupied with one’s death is morbid. But to not acknowledge that it is a step along the continuum of our own life puts limitations on our ability to expand into the possibilities life holds for us. If we are always afraid to peek around the next corner for fear of what we’ll find, then there are many surprises that we’ll never uncover. If we spend our lives trying to avoid the fear of death that is stalking us, our pattern becomes “avoidance”, and the limitation we struggle against, are mostly ones we have placed on ourselves. We hold ourselves back more than anyone else, if we don’t allow ourselves to face our fears.

DEATH'S GIFTS

2008-06-20T05:42:00.000-07:00

When TV journalist Tim Russert died suddenly the other day, I was reminded that the awareness of death teaches us how precious our lives are. I have learned to think of death as a teacher and a friend; here are ten things it taught me about how to live:

1. Live your life so you have no regrets.

2. Admit to yourself that life is fleeting and all things as we know them will come to an end; then out of the awareness of the endings, create new beginnings.

3. Begin to heal your life by making choices that allow you to control your own
destiny.

4. Acknowledge the presence of those you love, and honor your spouse or partner, your children and your friends.

5. Never resort to violent acts or bring ruthless thoughts into the realm of your
being.

6. Bring love into every situation and replace vengeance with peaceful, loving
intentions.

7. Elevate your actions to reflect the highest principles of living; show love, respect and honor for all life.

8. Waste no energy on vanity or pride.

9. Be generous and giving and pursue the highest purpose in all you do

10. Let go of life in the sweetest way you know how.

LONELINESS AND LOSS

2008-06-10T19:51:00.000-07:00

I know I must make a distinction between facing death, and experiencing loss. I have not, in Shining Moments, addressed the pain of losing a loved one and the grief that follows. It is a subject I will leave to others, for now. But I want to share a poem with those who are mourning the loss of a loved one, that I believe will speak to the experience.

For Loneliness

When the light lessens,
Causing colors to lose their courage,
And your eyes fix on the empty distance
That can open on either side
Of the sunset line
To make all that is
Familiar and near
Seem suddenly foreign,

When the music of talk
Breaks apart the noise
and you hear your heart louden
while the voices around you
slow down to leaden echoes
turning the silence
into something stony and cold,

When the old ghosts come back
to feed on everywhere you felt sure,
do not strengthen their hunger
by choosing to fear;
Rather, decide to call on your heart
that it may grow clear and free
to welcome home your emptiness
that it may cleanse you
like the clearest air
you could ever breathe.

Allow all your loneliness time
to dissolve the shell of dross
that had closed around you;
choose in this severe silence
to hear the one true voice
your rushed life fears;
cradle yourself like a child
learning to trust what emerges,
so that gradually
you may come to know
that deep in that black hole
you will find that blue flower
that holds the mystical light
which will illuminate in you
the glimmer of springtime.

John O'Donohue

CHANGE IS INEVITABLE

2008-06-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

Over the course of a lifetime we are transformed many times – born into new stages of life and dying to the last. We go from being an infant to a toddler, then child to adolescent, to young then mature adult, etc. We hardly notice as we are progressing from one phase to the next. We have no fear and we offer no resistance; we recognize the passage into each new stage of life not as a death but as a milestone to be celebrated. The underlying pattern here is this: change is inevitable. It doesn’t hurt to undergo these changes, and part of the reason may be that we offer no resistance.

Our dance partner as we go waltzing through life is death – and death is always in the lead. If we allow it to guide us we will glide over the dance floor with beauty and grace. If we introduce an element of fear, we will stumble. Can we learn to accept death without fear? As Nancy Gibbs says in an essay in Time Magazine referring to the death of her father: “While sorrow is certain, fear is not.”

FROM FEAR TO HOPE

2008-05-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

When we’re children we’re not afraid of death. We’re open and curious about it, as we are about all aspects of life. But over time we adopt the attitudes of the adults around us, we notice they avoid talking about it in our presence, which sends the message that it must be very frightening. And then, too, adults may do more damage when they actually do say something, by telling us an untruth that leads to more distorted glimpses of the subject. My own parents made one of the worst mistakes, when they told me that dying was like going to sleep. That night I was afraid to fall sleep and when I did, I dreamt that I was buried under the ground with the weight of the world pressing in on my coffin, and no way to escape. I knew that when I was asleep I was still breathing, and the thought that I would have to do that underground was more than horrifying. This dream, with its accompanying fears, haunted me for decades.

As adults, we define reality as something we can see; we’re afraid of the invisible. We lose sight of the fact that we actually live in two worlds; one that is visible and one that is not. The intangible realm of death signifies the terrifying experience of being swept away by a torrent of darkness into territory where we’re out of control; where our identity is obliterated (and there is no iPod to distract us.) Just as we channel surf when we land on a program we don’t want to watch, we turn away from reminders of our mortality. But by not facing our fears, we compound them, unfortunately.

Shining Moments describes my journey from fear to hope, as I learned that facing the most dreaded fear of my life led not to paralyzing panic, but to an unblocked bounty of energy that accompanied a sense of living with meaning and with purpose.My father’s death showed me that we can leave this world peacefully without suffering. Watching the changes he went through as he died, left me with with the expectation and hope that the process of transformation which is visible during the dying process doesn’t come grinding to a halt when the body dies, but rather the energy continues to manifest even though we cannot see its effect. As scientists regularly discover phenomena that nobody previously knew existed, we have every reason to believe that there are unseen realities yet to be revealed. If you have sat with someone while they die, you’re aware that you are witnessing a process that has aspects which are very present but not visible; much more than meets the eye.

THE GREAT TEACHER

2008-05-18T07:49:00.000-07:00

When I was twenty-one years old, during a routine teacher’s exam, the doctor found a lump in my throat, which turned out to be thyroid cancer. I was completely cured, and never had a recurrence (thank goodness) but that illness set the course for my life. At a young age it forced me to contemplate issues of life and death and I began a path of discovery, which continues even today. A very important instrument of healing for me was Dr. Bernie Siegel’s book, Love, Medicine and Miracles. When I wrote Shining Moments, I contacted him and he graciously agreed to write a testimonial. In the course of our correspondence, he sent me a wonderful poem which I want to share with you today.

THE GREAT TEACHER BY BERNIE SIEGEL, MD
Death what a great teacher you are
Yet few of us elect to take your class
And learn about life
That is the essence of death’s teaching
Death is not an elective
We must all take the class
The wise students audit the class in their early years
And find enlightenment
They are prepared when graduation day comes
It is your commencement

I have learned that death is a teacher and a friend. I will share more about that in future postings.

FINDING HOPE IN FACING DEATH

2008-05-12T05:51:00.001-07:00

When my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer, I found myself thrust into a situation I didn’t want to be in, but where I was trapped nonetheless. Dad was going to be taken from me by his disease, which was a painful and inescapable reality. But equally disturbing were the face-to-face encounters with death in which I found myself, for which I felt totally unprepared.
It didn’t matter that I didn’t want to be there (and I really didn’t). There was no way out, except to run and hide from the situation; but my love for my father would not allow me to do that.

So I found myself in a daily struggle with the one thing I’d been terrified of all my life…death. In the spirit of compassion and driven by my love for my father, I refused to duck when the fear came at me. The result was, I ultimately came to understand that fear of death is like any other fear, and that the same rules for overcoming all fears apply to death, as well. If you run from it, its power over you increases. If you stop and face it, look it in the eye, it shrinks.

What I didn’t expect was how facing death would deepen my life. I discovered that the energy we lose by turning away and running becomes available to us again when we no longer engage in the flight. With a new fund of energy available, and without having to live on the edge of fear hoping that we won’t have to encounter either thoughts about death or the fact of its presence, we can turn more completely toward the business of living.

The hopefulness I began to feel about living deeply, about fulfilling my dreams, about accomplishing my purpose for being here on earth – all of those positive feelings spiked when I disengaged from the grip in which the fear of death had held me.

When I met my Dad’s Hospice nurse for the first time, I remember feeling a little cynical about her profession. I thought to myself, “Why would anybody choose to be around death and dying if they could spend their time doing something – anything - else! But by the time I had spent the last four days of Dad’s life at his side, I understood.

My dad’s death was a good death, mind you. No machines, no pain, no distorting medications, and no resistance on his part. What I perceived in those final days was an atmosphere that became increasingly charged with the wonder of life and the miracle of death. To see the changes that took place in his form, to look at the process with awe rather than fear – I knew I was watching something that was bigger and more profound than any of us. Experiencing the shift as the life moved out of his body, can only be characterized as a sacred experience.

To my surprise, there were no bolts of lightening or claps of thunder; just the peaceful, ever-evolving transformation of his body… and my own character.

I hope that some of you will join this discussion, whether you are being forced to face death, or just have an intellectual curiosity about it. I believe it’s a conversation we need to have.